reflecting - better late then never.

I said I would post about the first year of marriage, now WEEKS later I'm finally finding the time/inspiration/will to do so. It's not that I don't have a million things to say - it's just that I don't know how to sum it all up without making this pages & pages long.

I can't begin to tell you the amount of people who told me how difficult the first year is, that it's the toughest year.

My first year as a married woman was something like this...

Exciting, tough, and exciting.

We bought our condo about 5 months before we got married, and moved into it on Halloween weekend in 2009, so a few months before our wedding. Until then we had never lived together, and aside from 1 year living with a friend when I was 21, I had never lived with anyone before, other than my family of course. Ted, on the other hand, had been "on his own" for quite a while, living with roommates & by himself for a long time. So for me cohabitating was exciting & tough. For the first time in my life I was responsible for a home. It's something I still struggle with to this day. I'm not a neat & tidy person by nature, and I'm lazy. I like relaxing & I hate chores. So you know... there's still a bit of a learning curve for me when it comes to keeping house. It's something I'm working on and hope to greatly  improve on in 2011. I think we all learn that being in a relationship with someone & seeing them all the time =/= living together. At all. Things that might be annoying or slightly irksome to you, you can ignore those things when you go home. When you live together you then have to figure out how to deal with the day to day. It's all worth it.

Learning how to be a wife. Again, exciting & tough. I personally find it funny that I still seem to struggle with the urge & desire to be a "1950's housewife". Do it all, and do it with a smile. Plus work outside the home. I find it funny because that was not my mom. She was awesome, but 1950's she was not. Maybe that's why I try to act that way?? Who knows. I consider myself lucky because I married someone who doesn't expect that from me. The fact that I completely fail at meeting my "1950's" standards would be so much more difficult if my husband also expected those things from me. So you know, finding balance between being a woman, wife, friend, daughter... it's been tough. And exciting. Discovering my husband. Letting my husband be a husband... be a man in this relationship. It's all worth it.

Balancing Life after Marriage. This one was mostly just tough, with a little excitement mixed in. I failed in some ways, some people failed me in other ways. It's a balancing act for sure. I'm very lucky because I have an extremely supportive family. I came to see who wants to be in my life and who doesn't. I've made some amazing new friendships in the past year. There has been sadness & loss. There has also been happiness & much gain. I could write something entirely on how friendships (can) change after marriage, but not now. Either way, it was again, all worth it.

Learning a new way of communication has been exciting & tough. Exciting in a way like... anxious. It's one thing to not have any responsibilites and live in a dream world when you're dating. What do you really have to argue about that can't be resolved quickly with an "I'm sorry."? Living together, owning a home together, resposibilities to each other & ourselves, love, homelife, day to day stuff... there can be so many pitfalls and arguments. We both had to learn a new way of communicating our needs, desires, difficulties.  Again - it's worth it. Great communication is worth it! I am a firm believer in that, if you can't communicate you don't have anything. That rule may not be true for everyone, but it is for us.


I can honestly say that if the first year is the toughest... I don't know whether to be jumping for joy or absolutely terrified. I thought our first year was awesome. Full of joy & love & excitement & tough conversations that led to knew understanding. So, is the tough stuff still ahead? Probably. There's always tough stuff. But if there's one thing I've learned in the past year it's that it truly is all worth it. Even when I get so mad at Ted I can barely see straight, the openness & understanding that comes from that is worth it.

At the end of this now, I find myself wondering how I will feel in 5 years, 15 years, 30 years?? Will I feel the same? Would I laugh at my old self? Would I cry happy tears of rememberance? Who knows. There's only today, this day, this life. I can honestly say that at 1 year of marriage, I love being married. I love my life, I love being a wife to my husband. I love the life we're building. I feel so lucky. Sorry if this is too repetative but... It's ALL worth it.

for me

Happy October! Is it just me or is 2010 just flying by?! October is a fabulous month for me, not because Halloween is my favorite holiday, but because it kicks off the holiday season.  

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love the family coming together, laughter, comforting & delicious food, leftovers, and the chill in the air. I mean... hopefully there will be a chill in the air, there's really no predicting that with Southern California weather. I didn't grow up with a lot of family around so our holiday gatherings were always really small, which was fine because I didn't know anything different. Since I've been a part of Ted's life I have come to have a whole new appreciation for large families. His entire family gets together for Thanksgiving, they all gather at my in-laws house, usually everyone brings a dish so my in-laws don't actually have to cook enough of everything for 30+ people. It's so much fun. Maybe it's so fun for me because I still feel like an "outsider" (not in a sad way) and there really aren't any embarrassing stories being rehashed about me, around the tables. Who knows, but I love it. Last year my mom started a tradition of Thanksgiving Breakfast so my family - my parents, my brother & his girlfriend, Ted & I - can get together and actually spend Thanksgiving together. That was so fun & a great tradition to start.

Of course then comes Christmas. What's not to like about Christmas?* Another fun, family filled holiday, & this time with presents!

So yes, it's easy to see that come October I am a happy girl.

*ask me again after we have kids

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I've also come to a couple of realizations lately... which is at least partly why I have been avoiding my blog like the plague. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I don't even know what a healthy relationship with food is, but I know I don't have it. I would say around the age of 13 I started disliking the way I looked, by 15 I full on hated the way I looked, and by 18 I was obsessing over everything I put in my mouth. You would think I would be skinny, but I'm not. I don't even want to be skinny, I want to be healthy. So I'm tired of obsessing over everything I eat & drink. (boy do those liquid calories add up!) It's just not ok anymore. Instead of hating myself I've decided that I'm done obsessing. Here's my plan:

1. Make better food choices. Try to pick healthier options, but don't emotionally beat myself up if I enjoy Wendy's one day. 
2. Look at what I'm eating. Is this something I want to put in my body?
3. Slow down when I'm eating. This one is really tough because it's so subconscious. I grew up with my dad who loves to pick off of other people plates... whether you were done or not. So in turn I learned to eat extremely quickly... speed eaters ain't got shit on me. Sadly.
4. Exercise. ::sigh:: This one is so tough for me. I can be quite lazy. I can go all day long thinking "Yeah! Working out tonight!" and then one thing can derail me, something as simple as someone cutting me off on the freeway, and there's my excuse not to go anymore. I'm pissed off and stressed out, I just want to veg on the couch. Blah blah blah. It's never-ending. I know it's bullshit, everyone knows it's all bullshit. If I wanted to be at the gym, I would be at the gym. So now I just have to work on wanting to be at the gym. I know I always feel better (mentally & physically) when I work out. I need to hold myself accountable. Time to put on my big girl britches.
5. Make myself a priority.

So there is my 5 point plan for now. I don't expect drastic changes, I don't want to drop 15 pounds in one month, I want to create a healthy environment for me to thrive in for the rest of my life.

ok, ok, ok... is THIS weird??

Voting Day makes me very happy. I love voting. I wish I could vote multiple times for every election. Plus I love getting those stickers.

not a good way to start a conversation

I think by now most people who are close to me know that if I start a conversation with "So..." it is not going to be a thrilling & happy converstation. For some reason that is always the word I choose to use when launching in to a less than appealing conversation, statement, bit of information, etc. Needless to say whenever I start a conversation with "So..." my husband gets very nervous, he gets a panicked/stressed look on his face, stops doing whatever he was doing & gives me his full attention, but not before he lets out an "Oh jeez, ok - what is it?"... because he never knows what I'm about to launch into. :) I like to keep him on his toes! He has a similar reaction if I start a conversation with his name. For instance, if I say "Ted, can we go to Home Depot?" That question holds as much worry & fear, just by starting with "Ted" as if I were to say "Ted, I blew all of our savings on [insert something stupid]." Now I make an effort to think about how I start a conversation because that helps a lot with how the whole thing will go. It's all about setting the right tone.

just one of those days

Sometimes a girl just needs to get her hair done.

So I did. And it's fabulous. :D

because I really am worth it

Today is the beginning of a new beginning, of sorts. I have been having some minor issues with my health, and I just decided I am tired of feeling like crap. So a few weeks ago I made a big step by cutting out my beloved iced tall caramel macchiato at Starbucks, and you know what? It wasn't that hard. I barely noticed. I guess letting go was a little easier because Ted & I were gifted with this kick ass coffee maker, so now I just make my coffee at home & go. I realized that I am not the "diet" kind of person. I can't go from eating & living one way, to a complete 180 and change everything all at once. That's not how my mind works. If I immediately take away everything I love, my brain instantly kicks into "kicking & screaming" mode, and I self sabotage within days, if not hours. Sad, but true.

So a few weeks ago I cut out something I thought I loved, and I lived. ::gasp!:: And since then I have been trying to make healthier eating choices. That means that even if I don't eat something healthy, I try to practice portion control. Portion Control. Man... that's a tough one! There is something about the fact that just because my husband can eat 4 slices of pizza, that doesn't mean I can or should (even if I could. & I could if I put my mind to it). So I'm wondering, if I can put my mind to making bad decisions, why can't I put my mind to making good, or at least better, decisions?

I am now trying to make simple & easy goals on a weekly/biweekly basis. The goal for this week is to start eating fruit throughout the day, as a healthy snack. I'm also going to try to incorporate yogurt in with my lunches. We always have veggies with dinner, so I'm not super concerned about working more vegetables in yet. We eat almost no fruit, so I knew I needed to get on top of that issue.

I think that I finally realized that I'm an adult, and I have to treat my body better. No one else can do it for me. I can make as many excuses as I want, but in the end I am an adult. I'm a married woman. This is my life, my only life, and I want to make the most of it & live it as long as I'm allowed.